Stop saying that you don’t care what other people think
You’ve heard it before, you may have even said it, “I don’t care what other people think.” Some people even like to think of this as their mantra for daily life. For many, it conveys an attitude of freedom from the judgment of others. Allowing them space and freedom to make choices they may not otherwise make. But does it really? Or is it just another way that we demonstrate that we really do care what other people think.
Every time I hear someone tell me, or someone else, that they don’t care what other people think, the first thought I have is simple. If that really is the case, and you really do not care what other people think, why are you bothering to tell anyone? People who really don’t care what other people think, don’t bother telling people that. Why? Because, the act of telling someone, that you don’t care what people think completely undermines your stated position. Your words say one thing but your actions speak the truth.
Telling someone something, anything, your opinion, the news of the day, your name, is an act of communication. It’s one of the wonderful things that separates us from animals and it exists for one reason, to influence the thoughts and actions of others. There is no way to have communication where you truly do not care what other people think because influencing what other people think is what communication is for.
Now your goal of any communication may not be to change deep-seated beliefs in the minds of those that you are communicating with but when you communicate you still have a goal and on some level, that goal is to influence the thoughts of someone else. Even the very basic act of introducing yourself, caries many goals. On the most basic level you wish to establish your singular identity, you hope to have the person remember that identity and your name. Beyond that you have more complex goals, establishing friendliness, hospitality, dominance, social standing, etc. The list is nearly endless, and this is just from one very basic social interaction.
But this idea that communication carries the intent to influence goes beyond just the verbal. Many of the choices that you make as an individual on what to wear, your hairstyle, what tattoos or piercings to get all carry the intent to influence. These outward-facing choices in our appearance are mean to communicate ourselves to the world. When a person with a large tattoo on their forearm tells that they don’t care what other people think about it, I know they are lying. They do care, it’s one of the reasons they spent hundreds of dollars getting the tattoo and the reason they chose to put it where others could see it. A person who really doesn’t care what other people think of them wouldn’t put in that kind of effort.
What I think most people mean when they say “I don’t care what others think” is, I’m not influenced by people’s opinions outside of my social tribe. There is nothing wrong with that but is a very large difference from not caring what other people think. In fact, it is exactly the opposite. It is caring a great deal about fitting into a given social group. Ironically, in some social groups this “I don’t care” ethos is a key identifying aspect required for membership.
This desire to influence through communication is part of human nature. It is part of what makes a society. We are social creatures and we shouldn’t deny the fact that we are. When we postulate that we don’t care what other people think, we are attempting to deny that social nature in ourselves. This isn’t a good thing. We should embrace that part of ourselves. We should all have the courage to care what everyone thinks even knowing that not everyone is going to share our choices, our preferences or our beliefs. This is the essence of diversity and acceptance, not pretending that we just don’t care, but caring deeply.
